Gratuitous
by Zeil
Summary: Just a little fic set when Cuddy almost has a nervous breakdown upon finding House in his Lab coat... Set sometime before Voglar goes.. Slashy...


Disclaimer: No. I won't say it. Mainly becuase its obvious... I don't own them. Though I wonder if whoever does writes fanfic as well...

Note: This was written largely because of... Bloody hell a damn short fanfic that i read which is posted on this site... I just can't bloody remember the name of it... its basically a short piece about Chase hearing House's and Cuddy's conversation and wondering about her age... I though it was brilliant and will post the details on it WHEN I FIND THEM! So sorry to the author... Will give props.

**Gratuitous**

Cuddy: I need you to wear your coat.

House: And I'd need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than myself. Like half your age.

Most people say that Mondays are always the most off putting. Getting back into the swing of the week. Cuddy can't disagree and isn't surprised when early on Monday morning her jaw almost drops out of her head.

Gregory House was whistling. Gregory House wasn't liberally popping pills while he signed in for shift. Gregory House, out of his usual attire. Cuddy was so use to rumpled jeans and a messy T-shirt from him on Mondays that the crisp navy button up and tailored black pants are enough to knock her on her arse. The pristine almost fluorescent white coat over is indigestible. True she'd asked… but House didn't… Sex… Sex with someone half her age,… two days of it. That was his lab coat price, or so he'd claimed. The fact that there was someone half her age out there willing to sleep with House for two days was not a fact that Cuddy was willing to take at face value. She would need Polaroids and a signed affidavit from the person… Not to mention a police investigation and fluid samples.

"Nice outfit!" Cuddy almost snaps, its not even midday and House already has her stomach doing flips…

"Well thankyou, I did just dig it out of the bottom of my closet though. No need to swoon or anything." House smirked, slightly less barby then normal. Cuddy narrowed her eyes, House wanted something… She could feel it!

"Find it beneath your dirty sneakers?" She sniped. House's smirked widened and Cuddy felt her skin prickle.

"Unwashed drawers actually." House said hitching up an eyebrow.

"Ready for clinic duty?" Cuddy said waiting to watch his face screw up into its usual sour frown. 'Cos that would be normal and she could go back to not worrying.

"Actually…" House's smirk was bordering on breaking into a smile… Oh no,… Cuddy groaned internally. She should have guessed. He wanted to skip it for the day and would pester her until she caved. That was just what she needed with Vogalar breathing down her neck.

"It does seem to be a promising day." House said quickly and limped off towards the elevator. Cuddy felt her jaw drop for a second time and the fluttering in her stomach tripled. She stomped after him.

"All right House spit it… What are you trying to pull?" Cuddy demand and she spilled into the elevator beside him. Glaring so hard at the nurse behind them that the poor lady flinched and hurried out, despite the fact that she still had to be two more floors up.

"Pull?" House frowned as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

"Yes pull, do, con. What is all this for?" She hissed making frantic gestures with her hands. House annoyingly pulled at his clothes, looking down at them. As though for the life of him he couldn't work out why she was so upset.

"You don't like them?" He said with a groundingly familiar sarcastic twist of lips.

"Sex!" She cried in frustration. House's smirk lifted higher.

"Sorry couldn't possibly… I might be able to fit you in a week from Tuesday." He offered and Cuddy scowled, their conversation dying briefly as the elevators doors opened.

"Get the next one!" Cuddy snarled at a first year intern. He jumped back a step, eyes wide, hand up in surrender. Perhaps also to fend her off too if she decided to pounce. House couldn't blame him.

"House!" She threatened as the doors slipped shut.

"What?" he said watching her trying to not strangle him.

"Two days of outrageous sex with someone half my age… That was your lab coat price…" Cuddy scowled feeling her blood pressure slowly starting to creep up.

"Your right!" House said it as a revelation, as though he himself had forgotten.

"And I wasn't willing to slide on that." The doors slid open on their floor as Cuddy's world once more tilted on its axis.

"What?" She cried stumbling out after him.

"I got my two days… You get your lab coat… The rest of the ensemble I thought was just in good taste." House teased in a tone that one would use in trying to decide weather the other has brain damage.

"No!" Cuddy spluttered, following him up the hall.

"No?" House stopped and turned frowning at her.

"I could take it off if you like." House said fingering the jacket.

"Mno, the coat is fine." Cuddy struggled out.

"I just don't believe you got your two days…" She sighed, as House started to amble down the hall again.

"Ha…" House almost coughed.

"What you think I'm doing this out of the goodness of my non-existent heart…" House spat, putting his hand on the door to the break room. His ducklings were all milling about inside, oblivious to either of them.

"Who then…" Cuddy demanded.

"Cuddy!" House said in a tone that a proper, civilised person would use. Cuddy knew that he was neither, even the person thing was unsubstantiated.

"Isn't it you who's always telling me that discretion is the better part of valour."

"No." Cuddy frowned, so did House.

"Really? Oh wait it was that late night re-run I was watching… What was that?"

"House?" Cuddy chided.

"Stop changing the subject and go back to bragging. Who was it?" Cuddy demanded.

"You wouldn't believe it anyway." House tried to placate.

"Besides this is a lot funner." He pricked, Cuddy glared and if looks could kill House would have been a three-week-old corpse. House's smirk didn't falter. He turned to go into the room, Cuddy grabbing the handle at the last minute.

"I'll give you a week off clinic duty." She offers and her expression is as shocked as House's. Cuddy pushes her hair behind her ear fidgeting, because not knowing for some reason is killing her. She has to know who it is, because then she can question them thoroughly, see if House really is just pushing her buttons… and if he isn't see what kind of metal deficiency this girl has.

"No." House says almost blithely and pushes inside the door. Cuddy' world gives another violent shudder, because House's has just refused to get off clinic duty. Cuddy follows him inside. This calls for drastic action.

Cuddy looked over the room at large, her eyes settling on Cameron. She was definitely a possibility.

"Doctor Cuddy, to what do we owe the pleasure." Foreman said swallowing down the motor oil they tired to pass off as coffee.

"House?" Cameron wondered.

"What happened did you stumbled into someone else's closet?" She giggled and Cuddy's eyes narrowed in thought. Definitely a little friendly on that side… Or was she just exaggerating due to the raving paranoia that House always impressed upon everyone.

Considering the dark look from House it wasn't likely Cuddy realised. Damn, how easy could that have been.

"Actually I'm here to see if anyone knows about House's coat?" Cuddy asked sweetly and House shot her an almost surprised look.

"What about it?" Foreman asked picking at his coffee cup.

"Well House said he would have to have two days of outrageous sex with someone half my age to wear it." All three choke on various things. House for the most part looked mildly amused.

"I was curious if anyone knew who the other party in the two day adventure was?" She asked still sickly sweet. Both the boys looked at Cameron, her eyes widened, brows disappearing up into her hair. Her cheeks flushed with colour and her eyes spun about the room. She coughed and spluttered and House looked like Christmas had come early. Cuddy though could have stomped her foot because it seemed that the chance of it being Cameron was slimming by the minute.

"Well if nothing else…" Cameron almost shrieked.

"I would think I would be a little more than half Cuddy's age." She pouted and Chase coughed biting back a smile.

"Don't worry Cam we know you have better taste than House." He smirked.

"Excuse me?" House cut in.

"Said person not to mention your boss is still in the room." He half snapped.

"You two follow me!" House scowled, motioning to Foreman and Cameron.

"What's up?" Foreman asked.

"Have to interview a patient." House stated.

"Overbearing mother, if she's going to abuse or cry over anyone, I'd prefer it be one of you." House stuck.

"Why doesn't Chase have to come?" Foreman protested, loudly.

"He's running samples it the lab…" The conversation cut off as they left the room. Cuddy looked bayfully after them.

"Any ideas?" She asked of Chase as he tidied up a bit. He shook his head.

"Sorry." It was at this juncture that James decided to come in almost beaming… Almost skipping and if it wasn't for the fact that he definitely wasn't half Cuddy's age…

"I just saw House…" James burst out. Seeming to notice Cuddy but disregard her in favour of the Australian.

"How did you do it?" James asked seeming about to pop a blood vessel, a slight blush came to Chase's cheeks. Cuddy was starting to catch on, just couldn't believe it, because she and House had… and he didn't seem…

"Did what?" She asked, looking for another explanation.

"Chase bet me that he could get House into his Lab coat… How he wouldn't say." James puffed and handed over what looked like almost two hundred bucks.

"How?" James tried one more time. Chase's blush deepened.

"Oh, I just have a very persuasive mouth." Chase said cryptically to James. To Cuddy it was out and out innuendo, showing that despite the blush he wasn't embarrassed at all.

Her world officially had toppled off its axis's… and it wasn't even ten o'clock… On the same note though House as in his lab coat… and Cuddy was left to wonder just what age Chase was.


End file.
